Even Tears Don't Believe me...

I thought I really got over with him, but yesterday when I saw he was kissing with another boy, suddenly I relized I still like him, unfortunately, I like him a lot. I had to ran away, my feeling was fucked up, I felt somebody punched my heart fiercely, it hurts so bad...I went home with Lisa. On the way home, we talked a lot, I admited I like him, which I don't even know. I thought I don't care anymore, but I do care, I do care so much! At that moment, I really wished I can cry, but I couldn't. Maybe it's really like my mum said, if you are really sad, you just can not cry. I could not release myself, I couldn't. I hate myself...

All the time I tried so hard to pretend to be stonger, I don't want anybody to see the what is inside of me, I want be a hard stone. But I know myself, I am too soft inside. I am so afraid to get hurt, I am so afraid to open my heart to someone.

Opened my music box, the song went " I don't want you go, tell me, you are not leaving me...I don't want see you get away from my life" I started to cry like a baby, I really hope it will be the last time to cry for love problem. Mum said to me, you lost someone who doesnt love you, but he lost someone who loves him, the loss for him is much more...yeah, but somebody even don't give a damn...

I hope the story end here....no more going on...no gain no pain, no expection, no overthinking...

Love...

I have watched a music video today, it was about love, the story was about a couple, because the Chinese civil war, they got sepreate, the girl gave the boy a box before she left Shanghai, said " I put all my love in this box, it will stay here" The boy replied, " I won't go anywhere, if you can not find me, just look for me in School"...at moment was 1948, she left Shanghai with her family to Taiwan. Because of the political reason, from 1949-1987, China Mainland and Taiwan could not visit each other. Until 1989, she got the news from her son when she was feeding her gradson, he's still alive, and single...The 2nd day, she flu to Shanghai...to met him...so many memories suddenly appeared in front of them...Because of the commitment, he still stays in the school as a teacher, because he said before " you can look for me at school"...The love box did not open yet...She asked why, he replied, " if I open it, I am afraid I will never see you again"...after 40 years....she's married, and already has 3 sons, but he is still single, he is still waiting for her...After that day, she flu back to Taipei, she told her husband and children, she wanted go back to Shanghai to be with him, her children all against this idea, but her busband not only agreed this idea, but also bought them a house in Shanghai...Finally, they got together after 40 years...

It moved my heart, because this video...I cried a lot...and I doubt this kind of love won't exist nowaday anymore...

Weekend I went to Den Haag, was nice...did a little bit soul searching...try to understand what I want for my life...

Fucked Up

It's 2 am in the morning, but I can not fall asleep. My feeling is so weird and uncomfortable...I am lost...really lost...Where is the happy me? Why I am overthinking, overthinking, overthinking again. I hate it. I hate myself for that.

I should never do that...should never...I feel I lost a friend who I really like...T_T...I am a stupid loser...from the moment back from Gent, I told myself dont expect too much, close your heart and be a bitch...But I can't...Why it's so diffcult to be an human being??? Why I am always so soft???

Sorry...For me, for him, for other people who care about me...

気づいたのあなたがこんなに胸の中にいること
愛してるまさかねそんな事言えない

Verjaardag

Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to LuLu! It's my third year birthday without my family. But yesterday I had a great time with my friends.

Sorry I did not update my blog for a long time (sorry for myself), a lot of things happened things to me, most of them are bad things, but when I had diffcult time, I really see who is my real friend. Thank you Dina, you help me out a lot, when I am in trouble, you always by my side.

Acutally I wanted write a lot of stuff, but when I start typing on the keyboard, I don't know what can I say anymore, I don't want tell everything here basically. Hehe...

Today is mother's day, such a coincidence, mum, wish you happy holiday! Love you!

Kijkavond

In Netherland, there is such a word called " Kijkavond ", which means when you search for a room in somewhere, you have to make an appointment with the potential people who gonna be living with you in that place, and after that, you have to talk with them and try to make them have a good impression on you. As I remember, I tried Kijkavond 5 times, and today I sucessed! I would love to take this chance to thank my best friend Dina, she did the most of the talk. 70% sucess of today was on her acutally. When I got the call from Nina, I was jumping like a little kid. Because after 4 times failure, I was very down from that, it made me think acutally those Dutch people only like their own people, but yeah, you never know. I am pretty satisify with my new room, it's much bigger than the room I am having now. You know what is funny? The wall is pink! Haha... So finally I gonna live with the Dutch family, there are 5 Dutch people, 2 girls and 3 boys. After I move in, I will make delicious food for them.

The weekend was awesome and crazy. I had a wonderful time with Dina, Lisa and Alti. Who's Alit? She's my new friend from Kazahstan, a sweet sweet girl. We were dancing like crazy on the stage, and we cheered for Alexsander (Cause we got free drink ticket from him). It was so sweet of him, we even drank Cocktail in the club. Haha...Maybe because I made too much Korokka that day, it made me very tired, so we went to home very early. Or I am just getting older?

Happy Easter

This is the third Easter for me since I moved to this tiny lowland. But this Easter, I get no egg chocolates, no special food. ( Sounds a little bit sad, huh?) Well, I still remember we spent our easter in Belgium with the lovely Belgian family, it was so wonderful. Acutally yesterday when I met Ding we said we really should sent an email to Kevin to wish him HAPPY EASTER with his family.

I've had nightmares those days, dont know why, but it's all related to one person, what does this mean? It's so weird and wicked...what I feel is I don't want expect too much, from my experience was the more I expect, the more disappointments I got...so I think just let it be, but only sometimes I can not control myself to think about these things...It's been more than 2 years I am not with anyone...I certainly hope I will be the lucky one. I felt very comfortable when I around this one:)

Finally, I hope I can pass the retake on Tuesday, it is my last chance, so I really need study for tomorrow, I hope I can pass it! 5.5...Enough...emmm...I'll pray for it...

Want post some pics from last year Easter

Friday Going Out

Yesterday I went out after such a long time (No Clubbing Life Lately). Met two new friends of Lisa's, they are very cool. Of course with my favorite girl Dina. Unfortunately, Friday going out was not fun, cause there were only a few people there. But still, we danced a little bit, with Lisa you'll never get bored! We biked to Lisa's home, played Wii at 7 C'lock in the morning, crazy....crazy...Liquid Club was very though, I am sure next time if there are enough people will be very fun, but at least, I got a lot of free drink ticket from new friend Alex...that's very sweet of him.

I had a nice talk with YoYo during the dinner time, my god, my school is such a drama and rumor school, no matter you are famous or nameless, there are always some rumors about you. But in spit of all, like I told Dina " We are fontys bitches", so don't mess around with us! hahaha...

Finally, I hope Dina's date going well, cause I know she's looking forward to this date so much, and she made the slow move, hopefully she can get what she want. I really hope all my friends have a happy realtionship with their Mr/Ms Special. Meanwhile, I am missing someone in Somewhere...How you doing?...hope see you soon...:)